Why I embrace “failure”
fail·ure
/ˈfālyər/
noun
lack of success.
2020 has been an interesting year for just about anyone and I use the word interesting because it’s just the only way I can describe it. I mean we can go through every single word that we could to describe it, challenging, interesting, hard, different, or unexpected but for me it’s just been interesting. It’s been interesting for me because in 2020 before the pandemic I had moved into my own first place, I was going into my last semester of college, I had two great jobs and I could see my future in this very clear path until March. And then in the span of two weeks I had lost both jobs I had essentially dropped out of college and I didn’t know what I was gonna do. That path kind of went away and vanished up but in those following months I figured it out.
In those two weeks, I was feeling that I was not going down the right path anymore, whatever that path was because I always followed a very conventional path that in order to be successful or to be good I had to go to school or have a great job and I didnt have either of those things anymore. Too add to that I had spiraling depression and of course we’re dealing with already the societal pressures of the upcoming elections and the pandemic but it was just this feeling that I have lost everything that I had almost like I felt like I’ve given up. Even though almost all of those things were out of my control except for the decision of not going to school.
I had a really hard time dealing with that transition. I didn’t really grapple with it and so spring came and went and I had reached the summer. I immersed myself in social justice, I was protesting I was giving out a lot of resources what I could do from inside my apartment while being safe. l June came an went and we hit July and I was surviving I wasn’t thriving. I had gotten another job that was remote where I was hosting a podcast and I loved it and I still do and I’m grateful that I am actually still working with them but I was just surviving my unemployment was making enough that I could pay my rent and I could have food on the table and other than that I was just trying to make it through each and every day.
“getting through it is enough”
I then started another job as a personal assistant for someone close to me and I thought this is it you know, I figured it out, I’m back to two jobs, I’m gonna take the fall off school, I’m just gonna keep working and it’ll get better and I’ll figure it out. All I was doing I was just figuring it out I was just dealing with the situation as it came to me instead of having a plan or working on myself.
In the middle of October I was let go from that assistant job #pandemicstuff right?! I was really upset, mostly just the worry about bills and the upcoming holiday season. But along with the stress there was this sense of calm and happiness almost like a release. I had been given an opportunity no matter how inconvenient the timing, I could now focus on what I had been working on in my free time.
I was teaching a podcasting workshop and launching another show but now all my time could be focused on that, and other endeavors like this blog and my social media. Through that experience I had realized that throughout the pandemic and following months that I hadn't been just surviving I had been slowly working on the things I believed in and the things that could help me in my life. I now have the time to focus on the projects I love and build even more. The “failures” of this year weren't really failures, they were lessons and the experience I gained will help me for a lifetime.
Through those past months of struggle I learned that I could handle a lot more than I believed that I could handle. I learned to look for the light even in the dark but I will say it has been hard this isn't a story of just be positive and positive things will happen to you. Unfortunately no matter how nice that sounds it’s been hard … this year has been hard. The one thing I want you to take away from this is that getting through it is enough working through is enough. Success is what you make you do not have to conform to someone else's vision of success for you. I think we look back on story’s like mine and think that we did not succeed but, we are so much more than a bad month or year.
Now that you’ve heard my story I do hope you stay along for the journey; join my newsletter and follow me on social media to keep up with what i'm doing!